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Marcus Austin say's let's all shout at the Brits .

I'll be very very brief here because I don't think that this really deserves more than about five minutes dedicated ranting, however I'm sure we could all talk about it for hours in the Pub. The BPI (British Phonographic Industry) announced their latest candidates for the Brit awards last week and in true "rebel" fashion the NME announced it's candidates for the Brat awards. And to be honest we don't know why they both bothered.

The BPI pick the Brits every year to show to the World who they think are the cream of the British music scene, or rather who "were" the cream of the British music scene for 1995. The NME appears to do it to kick the BPI up the pants, or rather it used to. If you look at the candidates for both the Brits and Brats closely you'd be hard pressed to find much of a difference between them. The last few years have seen the two almost mesh together, so why do the NME still bother ? doesn't this prove that they've done they're job ? Well look a bit harder at the BPI's list and you'll see why they keep on slamming out the Brats.

The Brit awards are selected from nominations culled from 500 respected members of the British recording industry. So you'd expect them to have their fingers on the pulse of the greatest music industry in the World, er No. It's quite extraordinary that 500 people thought (presumably) long and hard and put pens to paper to come up with a list as dismal and lacklustre as this. They must have all been coked off their heads when they thought up this little list. I blame it on too many record industry Xmas parties. Next year lets make sure that the list hasn't been thought up after too many Xmas drinking sessions, and switch it to the summer instead.

So what have the NME put down then ? Well to be brutally frank the NME's alternative Brats aren't much better. All they do is throw more groups and artists at each category in the hope that one might actually match their readers favourite band/artist. Come on have the courage of your convictions please.

Next year I nominate we do it !

The Brits

Best male solo artist

Edwyn Collins - come off it, one song does not a comeback make.
Van Morrison - Hell we forgot and left him on the form from last year
Jimmy Nail - ah the comedy vote, you cannot be serious.
Tricky -The we had to put one sane one just in case everybody thought we were totally mad candidate, but it's OK he isn't going to win.
Paul Weller - The elder statesman

Best female solo artist

Joan Armatrading -Black female Lesbian - this is a political party short list isn't it
P J Harvey - The token woman in the list all the others are either dead or want to be blokes.
Annie Lennox - Oh god not her again see van Morrison
Vanessa Mae - Does she sing or play a guitar are we thinking of the same awards here, Earth to judges come in please
Shara Nelson - Mmmm writing Shara Nelson down in the female artist is an interesting way of spoling your voting paper.

Best group

Blur - Dull yet worthy
Lightning seeds - A joke
Pulp - Yes Jarvis is God
Oasis - Yes yes yes
Radiohead - Another accident, this of course should have been the nomination for the Michael Jackson most tracks released off an LP as singles award.

Best Dance Act

Eternal - No
Massive Attack - Great but have you ever tried dancing to any Massive Attack ?
Leftfield - Yes
M People - Were there any old people on the panel ?
Tricky - The token Tricky candidate

Best New Artist

Black Grape - If you must, but I'm not handing him the award.
Cast - Their must be a mistake someone's put Cast down.
Elastica - Can we underline new next time ? some of our judges seem to have missed it
Supergrass - And so Gentlemen I rest my case sideburns are sexy.
Tricky - The token Tricky candidate

The Brats

Best solo artist

Bjork, Paul Weller, Tricky, Alanis Morissette, PJ Harvey, Morrissey (snigger), Madonna, Neil Young , David Bowie (double snigger), Julian Cope, Uncle Tom Cobbley, All

Best Groups

Pulp, Radiohead, Oasis, Stone Roses (for releasing a record per decade, role on 2001), Black Grape, Blur, Charlatans, Manic Street Preachers, REM, Suede (remember them), The Uncle Tom Cobbley band, The All.

Best Dance Act

Goldie, Alex Reece, Josh Wink, Chemical Brothers, The Prodigy, Spooky, Tricky, Cold Cut, Leftfield, Orbital, some other bands our little brothers told us were dead good and sorted.

Best New Artist

Supergrass, Black Grape, Bluetones, Ash, Cast, Garbage, Foo Fighters, Menswear, Tricky, Marion.

The rage awards

Best Solo artist - Ruby, Tricky
Best band - Gene, Tricky
Best Dance act - Dreadzone, Goldie, Tricky
Best New band - Babybird, Minibar, Cardigans, Tricky
Best Tricky - Portishead, Massive Attack.

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